Top Ten Postpartum Problems

How many do you have?

Pregnancy and delivery do a number on the body, that’s for sure. These are (paraphrases of) the most common issues that bother my clients.

#10 My breath doesn’t work right

I don’t want to talk during meals because I can’t eat, talk, and breathe all at the same time. Also, talking is exhausting. This is very not good for my social life, by which I mean talking to my husband at a kitchen table that our new interior decorator has scattered with Cheerios, sweet potato puree, and an assortment of not very clean kitchen towels.

#9 I’m so stiff

All those gluesticks that I feel like I just bought yet are definitely empty? My joints have been filled with their glue, apparently. Moving hurts. Sleeping hurts. Breathing hurts. apparently filled with all the glue that is -not- in any of my toddler’s 87 glue sticks, which I seriously -just- bought. At yoga I look in the mirror, and everyone else is a sleek little jellyfish, and then there’s me guarding Buckingham Palace.

I caught sight of myself in the CVS window pushing the stroller and realized I’m hunched over like I’m about to throw some little kids in my gingerbread oven.

It’s my neck. I actually got my hair chopped off because I thought it would make my head not feel so insanely heavy. It didn’t work. Why does my neck hurt all the time? And is that why I always want to lie down and do nothing?

I am so grouchy because my back just hurts so %$# much. I am about to drive my two remaining friends away because all I do is complain about my back.

Running is what I do to maintain my mental health. And I’m using “maintain” pretty loosely here. If I can’t take a run in in the next ten days I am literally going to shatter into a thousand crazy pieces.

Where did my abs go? Are they ever going to come back? I am going to cry if I have to give away this cute short-hem T-shirt that I bought before I was pregnant and never even got to wear.

My OB just casually said I had a two centimeter diastasis recti. I still don’t really know what that is, but whatever it is, it hurts, and I’m afraid to do anything physical because I don’t want this to make this mysterious ancient Latin curse thing any worse.

Urge Urinary Incontinence (urgent need to pee at inconvenient times)
“Coffee is the only thing keeping my eyes open these days, but if I drink it, I have to stay within a seven-foot radius of a toilet for, like, two hours.”
“I get out of the car. I’m fine. I don’t have to go. I walk up to the front door, casually leaf through the mail. Then I put my key in the lock and, boom, instantly super-have-to-go-to-the-bathroom.”

and #1…
The monster of motherhood that no one talks about. The reason you are not at a workout class right now. The reason you can never laugh, cough, or sneeze far from home. The reason you have to return home immediately if you end up having to chase after your kid at the playground. Stress Urinary Incontinence (pee coming out when your body’s under any sort of stress).

Just remember, you can heal.

And a special shout-out to you ladies whose babies are now buying their first homes, doing their junior year abroad, or taking SAT prep class: you can heal, too. The body is amazingly capable. Please reach out for help.